I ask you, what is so entertaining about some poor man's mental anguish?

That dumb-ass "Unwrapped" show on the Food Network came out to film here around Halloween. They've been airing that episode all week, so lucky me, I get to pick up take-out Chinese food on the way home from work and settle in for a little vegging action in front of the TV, and what do I see? My ass bent over tipping syrup into the hopper. Deja-fucking-vu.

If they weren't so small, I'd figure out a way to print a whole truckload of them that read:

Help Me, I'm Stuck in a Candy Heart Making Factory!

So all week long, no one can shut up about it, because I'm the only guy you can see in this little two-minute segment on their nauseating Valentine's Day show-aside from our manager, Sid Vicious. (Ok, so that's just my little pet name for him-but the punk rocker and our fat-ass manager with his big purple Barney ties and pink shirts, I kid you not, have not just a first name in common but a temperament, too. Except I think Vicious was more polite.)

All I hear all week is: "Ooooo Gus is famous now!" and "Hey, candy man, come give me some sugar!" (I admit it, that last line might have been hot, if it were coming from Maureen, Sid's brand new little secretarial acquisition, instead a seven-foot, three-hundred-pound man with a tattoo of a barcode on his forearm who wears Ozzfest t-shirts to work. What can I say? Mr. Big just isn't my type!) Woo-hoo, I'm a freakin'

celebrity, now, right?

So, Valentine's Day comes around, and I can't wait for the fucker to be over with.